


More Than Getting Through

by LadyMorgaine76



Series: Breathe My Love... [6]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Healing, Introspection, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22107571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMorgaine76/pseuds/LadyMorgaine76
Summary: An absolutely important step forward in Simon and Baz's relationship.Simon has self esteem issues and some things are most definitely not best left unsaid!Crying is healthy and being vulnerable with each other is of adamant importance!
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Breathe My Love... [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542856
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	More Than Getting Through

**Author's Note:**

> A short fic before the Pitches, The Salisburys and the whole Bonded Dragons come together and we send them into battle...  
> Hope you like it.  
> I had to put this out on its own because I believe their progress in communication is so very important!
> 
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated.

**Baz**

I could get used to this…

No. Scratch that. I _want_ to get used to this!

Waking up each morning with Simon by my side is most likely the closest to heaven (or whatever the other side of the Veil is…) I'll ever get!

He's already awake this time. He slides closer to me and I can't help but to breathe a contented sigh.

I'm getting soft, I guess…

( _"You were always soft, Basil! You're just less afraid to show it now."_ ) (That's what Penny told me once.) (She's keen on becoming my conscience for whatever reason…)

I hold on tight to Simon while I softly whisper a good morning in his ear.

It's disgustingly domestic and I love it!

He kisses me lightly and rests his head on my chest.

"Ready for today?" He asks with a low rumble in his tone.

"No. Let's stay in bed instead." I snort at him. He laughs, raising his head to gaze at me.

"You're absolutely right! Let's cancel this stupid war and sleep in! Let's schedule it for, uh.. I don't know… next decade, or something?"

"Or never!" It's nice to be able to just pretend for a while that there's no creatures out there waiting for us and that some of the people harboured at Watford might not come back at the end of the day…

Pretend that I'm not worried about Simon.

Pretend he's not worried about me.

Pretend everything will be fine…

"You're not going to convince me at the last minute to sit this out, Baz…" 

"I know." He's so stubborn… I love him!

"I'm aware I can't… help like I used to," He lowers his gaze to my chest and I feel that ever looming sorrow over the loss of his magic lacing his words. "If you call going off 'helping'..."

"Simon…" 

He silences me with his fingers resting gently on my lips.

"I hate it, you know? That sense of total emptiness. The lack of feeling it coursing through my veins, even when it scared me, even when I couldn't quite control it. Not having my magic is like being deprived of one of my senses. It's like losing my sense of identity…" The pain in his voice and his eyes is raw, but he's talking to me. 

I'm thankful for that.

"That's why you were going to break up with me." It's not a question. It's just a fact.

"I thought I was standing in the way of your happiness, your search for the answers about your own identity… Lamb seemed to know-"

I scoff. "Lamb? Fuck Lamb! Fuck that entire trip, to be honest!" I shake my head, reaching my hand to comb through his matted curls, loosening them a bit. "I meant back in London. Before Penny barged in with the roadtrip plans."

"Oh…"

"Oh… yeah… I had the feeling you were about to do just that back then." 

Simon takes a deep breath and I wait. 

"You are so filled with magic!"He smiles shyly. "You love it! It's your life. You were born into it, raised with it. You have more magic than what you can safely use, because you're…"

"Flammable?" I offer.

"Well, yes! It's already unfair that a fire mage can't use the entire extent of his powers. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to deal with a boyfriend who lost his own magic _and_ can't step out of the house without someone else having to spell his wings and tail invisible…" He rests his cheek back on my chest and I feel his frustrated huff. "I'm worthless like this, Baz."

If I could take away all of his insecurities and self doubts away from his heart and mind, I would. It hurts me to see him struggle with himself. 

If there was a spell to let him see himself through my eyes, to know the depths of my feelings, everything that I can't put into words, I would.

"Your worth didn't begin with your magic and it most certainly didn't end with it either!" I counter.

He shrugs at me.

"It certainly feels like it sometimes… without magic, what am I anyway? A winged anomaly?"

"Look at me." He raises his head and I stare intently at him. "You are the bravest person I've ever met! Magic or no magic. You are stubborn. You have a good set of morals and a big heart. You are an unstoppable force! And that has nothing to do with all the magic you had! It's you...just you." I try to make him understand this. To let him know this is my truth. It's how I see him. _This_ is my Simon! The man I love. 

"I fell in love with _you_ . Not with your magic. I hated your magic. It was a permanent reminder that you were supposed to be a weapon against me, my family, everything and everyone I ever loved. I fell in love with you _despite_ of your magic! You, Simon, are _not_ your magic! You are your heart, your soul, your untamable will and strength! All the things you believe makes you a Normal, makes you the man that I love with all of my heart!" 

I know I have tears streaming down my face as I finish. There's tears on Simon's face too.

I open my arms in a silent invitation and he falls back into them.

I let him weep.

I don't tell him that it's all ok.

It's such a stupid thing to say anyway. Because it's not 'ok' is it? Our world has been turned upside down and everyone just expected us to move on?

I don't really question if his tears are derived solely from my words, or if those were just a catalyst for all of the pain he's carrying in his heart.

He needs to cry and all I can offer him is my arms as a safe harbour. All I can do is let him know I'll always be right here. No matter what.

No one cares about what happens after the Chosen One saves everyone and everything, right?

You write 'They Lived Happily Ever After', close the book and put it back on the shelf…

Well, this is the _After_ …

And my Chosen One, the man I love is broken. His very soul is shattered to pieces.

No one offered their help. No one thanked him. 

It made me so angry!

But I'm here. I'll hold him as tightly as he needs me to. I'll hold his broken pieces in my hands and help him mend and find his footing day by day…

I won't fail Simon again!

**Simon**

I don't know how long it's been and I don't care!

I feel like the pain eases somewhat as the tears flow.

I needed this, I guess…

We both did.

We're both crying, locked in each other's arms.

It should have been like this since the beginning. We should have been able to be open about our issues to each other, instead we let silence build a wall between us...

We were both so lost.

I shut him out, wallowed in my pain and he kept himself out, afraid to push.

Afraid to push _me_ away.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and do everything different!

But maybe we were supposed to go through all that. 

I don't know what we expected after all we endured. Maybe we believed we were entitled to our happy ending, plain and simple, no consequences, no aftermaths, no questions asked.

(What a pair of ignorant gits!) (Though the first few months were sappy and nice…)

He finds his voice first, but it's still wavering…

"I'm so sorry I didn't know what to do back than. I'm sorry I couldn't support you the way you needed me too. I let my fear of saying the wrong things keep me locked up in my head, lost in my own overthinking."

I breathe deeply and it's like the last dark cloud dissipating in the horizon...

"I'm sorry too." I tell him. "We both made mistakes and I know I kept you out. I made my own misery into a wall none of us knew how to tear down. Or maybe I was just scared of tearing it down. I want to be better for you."

"I want that too. I promise I wi-"

I lean into him and our lips meet. It's a quick kiss. I smirk at him.

"I wasn't finished, darling!"

"Sorry…" And he lowers his eyes and his lips pull to one side. I'm pleasantly aware that, if he had enough blood in him, he'd be blushing.

"I'm going back to therapy." I say, the same way I would say I was getting a glass of water. It's just that. 

I still hate having to sit down and bare my feelings to a stranger. I like to keep my cards close to my chest.

Except said stranger is a professional _who knows_ how to help me!

And I can't help myself.

Apparently I have PTSD…

No. Not apparently.

 _I have_ PTSD! 

It is what it is and I have to let go of my stubbornness and accept that I need to do this!

It's not even because Baz deserves it. (He does nonetheless)

It's because _I_ need it!

He smiles.

And he kisses me. Again and again and again… and I feel happier than I have in a long, long time!


End file.
